“Isolation is the crux of all human suffering, and human connection is the antidote.”—Caroline Fenkel, Executive Director of Newport Academy’s Center for Families
You probably realized I’ve used all those “tion” words in the title with a purpose. I was going to write my blog today about something else, but I was watching the news and learned there is a new study by the University of Michigan that shows your kids’ brains are affected by being rejected by their peers in almost exactly the same way as they are by actual physical pain.
Someone recently mentioned to me a time when he was rejected. I asked how that made him feel, and he responded, “It hurt!” He most likely didn’t realize how close he was to the truth. Being rejected by those you would like to be with is painful.
So let’s look at how the child you love so much turned from that laughing, fun to be with, silly kid (the socialization time) into a morose being (now transformed) lying on the bed or the floor with the cellphone seemingly grown tight to their hand.
The kids aren’t dumb. They can pretty easily figure out that a good way to avoid rejection and the pain that accompanies it is to stay away from others who would inflict it. Remember when you told them, “Don’t touch the stove. You’ll burn your hand.”? That’s where the alienation comes in.
It used to be that a day or two would pass, they’d get together with the friend who hurt them, talk it out, and they’d be back to being friends again. They’d be making plans to go to the next basketball or football game. Not in today’s society.
What do they do if they aren’t going to a football game with a bunch of their friends? These days
they pick up their cell phone and turn to social media. A Newport Academy article titled “Teenage Isolation and How Parents Can Help” says that pain I mentioned before causes teens to choose “teenage isolation as a way to protect themselves from rejection and pain. Teenagers may choose to withdraw after a traumatic social experience or a breakup. Or they might suffer from social anxiety or lack of social skills. Consequently, teens isolate themselves and use technology for connection and distraction. Therefore, they are also at risk of social media addiction. Here are some statistics that might make you sit up and take notice:
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84 percent of teens use social media, and 62 percent of teens use it every day.
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On average, teens spend 1 hour and 27 minutes a day scrolling social media, an increase of 17 minutes from 2019.
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Only one-third of teens say they enjoy social media “a lot,” down from 40 percent in 2019.
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42 percent of teen girls say they enjoy social media, compared with 27 percent of teen boys.
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Girls are also more likely than boys to use social media every day (68 percent vs. 57 percent).
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Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat are the most popular social media sites for teens.
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Use of social media among tweens went up by 7 percentage points between 2019 and 2021, from 31 to 38 percent.
The Common Sense Census stated “It seems that initiation into social media may indeed be trending younger, at a relatively modest rate thus far, and that while the time devoted to social media among teens may be increasing, enjoyment is not.” Enjoyment is not? Then why are they doing it? Again, let’s turn to that Newport Academy article:
Research shows that teenagers’ use of social media goes hand in hand with increased teen depression and lower levels of life satisfaction. The frequency of a teen’s use of social media has a clear correlation to how they feel. A CNN study of 13-year-olds and their relationship with social media, called #Being13, found that participants who checked social media 50 to 100 times a day were 37 percent more distressed than those who checked just a few times a day. Those who checked more than 100 times a day were 47 percent more distressed on average.
Are you willing to admit that social media could be a causation? And look at the time the kids in the study spent with social media. Fifty to 100+ times a day! Day after day. That’s duration!
Did you know that when using social media there are biological and chemical processes that emulate other addictive behaviors? If your kids want to “feel good” they’ll focus on how many “likes” they are getting. Thumbs-up is the equivalent of eating chocolate or finding a $20 bill in your wallet you didn’t know you had. It’s a rush of dopamine to the brain, and wow, that feels good! Better than going to your friend and trying to work out the problem. Now we’re at isolation. Read the list of negative impacts of teenage isolation.
Here’s that Newport Academy link again. There is a lot of good information there, and I recommend you read it. If your son or daughter is in one of the stages between alienation and isolation, I can make a safe bet that you’ve seen a transformation. Have you ever wondered where that cute, funny kid went? You don’t even recognize the person up in their bedroom anymore?
I titled chapter 6 of my book Who’s Got Dibs on Your Kids?, “Who’s Got Dibs on Your Kids’ MEDIA?—From Captivated to Captive.” Here are a couple of excerpts from it:
Back in the ‘70s, Jim Croce wrote a beautiful song that said if he could find a way to save time in a bottle he’d spend every day with the person he loved. How would he have spent those days with the one he loved? . . .
I know the Croce song referred to love between a man and a woman, but change the context just a bit. Would your kids say the time they spend with you now is the way they’d like to spend eternity with you? Is total technology immersion worth saving in a bottle? What do you share of your person and your personality with each other?
If you attend a church, I recommend you talk to your pastor about the problem. If you don’t attend a church, I recommend you talk to a few of your friends and find out where they attend and why. Then get in touch with that church’s pastor or guidance counselor, and do it quickly. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1) He tells us in Joshua 1:5, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”